R.A.M. Relationship Analyzer

About the R.A.M. Model (learn more)

The Relationship Attachment Model (R.A.M.), developed by Dr. John Van Epp, outlines five key dynamics that contribute to the bond in a relationship. These are essential for building healthy, lasting connections. The model emphasizes that these dynamics should ideally grow in balance.

KNOW: This refers to how much you know about the other person – their character, values, background, family, relationship history, and patterns of behavior. It's about learning the facts, not just feelings.
TRUST: This is built on the reliability and integrity you perceive in the other person. Trust grows as you observe consistency between what your partner says and does. It's about believing in their dependability.
RELY: This stage involves depending on the other person for support and having your needs met. It's about feeling secure that your partner will be there for you in meaningful ways. This should develop as trust is established.
COMMIT: This reflects the level of dedication, loyalty, and faithfulness you and your partner have towards the relationship and each other. It's about the decision to be "we" and to work towards a future together.
TOUCH: This encompasses the physical intimacy and affection shared within the relationship, from holding hands to sexual involvement. The model suggests that physical intimacy should not outpace the other bonding dynamics.

The Principle of Balance: A core idea of the R.A.M. is that for a healthy relationship, these five areas should develop at a similar pace. An imbalance, such as high levels of "Touch" or "Commit" without correspondingly high levels of "Know" and "Trust," can lead to unhealthy attachments and potential heartbreak.

Ideal Progression (Especially Pre-Maritally): For building a strong and healthy foundation, especially before marriage, the R.A.M. suggests an ideal progression. Generally, you should aim to Know a person well first. Based on that knowledge, Trust develops. As trust is built, you can then begin to Rely on them. Following this, a mutual Commitment can be established. Physical intimacy (Touch) should ideally be the slowest to develop and align with the level of commitment and emotional intimacy already established. This means each dynamic should ideally be developed to a level at least as strong as, if not stronger than, the one that follows it (e.g., 'Know' should be as high or higher than 'Trust', 'Trust' as high or higher than 'Rely', and so on). Rushing physical intimacy or commitment before a solid foundation of knowing and trusting is established can lead to instability.

How to Use This Tool (show instructions)

Partner 1: Use the 0-10 scale to rate each dynamic (see "Understanding the Slider Ratings" below for guidance). Review your answers carefully before submitting. Once submitted, you cannot go back without restarting. Click "Save P1 Answers & Proceed to P2".
Partner 2: After Partner 1 has submitted, use the sliders to provide your independent ratings. Your input will be blind to Partner 1's scores until the comparison. Click "Save P2 Answers & Show Comparison".
Compare: Both sets of ratings will be displayed, followed by discussion points. You can download a text summary of the scores. To perform a new blind comparison, use the "Start New Comparison" button.

This tool is intended to facilitate open and honest conversation about your relationship dynamics.

Understanding the Slider Ratings (0-10) (click for guide)

Use the 0 to 10 scale on the sliders to rate each dynamic. Here's a general guide for interpretation:

KNOW

0: Barely know basics; interactions are surface-level.

5: Moderately know each other; understand some history, habits, and values.

10: Deep mutual understanding; grasp nuances, anticipate reactions, feel thoroughly known.

TRUST

0: Little to no trust; significant doubts or history of broken trust.

5: Moderate trust; generally reliable but some reservations or untested areas.

10: Complete and unwavering trust; feel entirely secure and confident in their integrity and reliability.

RELY

0: Feel unable to depend on them for significant emotional or practical support.

5: Can rely on them for some things, but perhaps not consistently or in all key areas.

10: Fully count on their consistent and comprehensive support in times of need and daily life.

COMMIT

0: No clear commitment; relationship is undefined or future is very uncertain.

5: Some level of commitment present; perhaps exclusive but long-term future not fully defined or shared.

10: Total, explicit, and unwavering long-term dedication to the relationship and a shared future.

TOUCH

0: Minimal/no physical contact; physical distance or discomfort.

5: Some physical affection and intimacy, but may not be fully aligned with desires or comfort for one or both.

10: Mutually fulfilling, respectful, and appropriate physical intimacy that enhances connection and emotional closeness, well-balanced with other R.A.M. dynamics.